Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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