Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
