good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
