Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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