i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
