dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
