she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone came in the potted fern
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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