we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
