if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
