I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
