I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
