I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
