Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You can't just leave with hair like that
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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