I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
