Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
