We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
