I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
