At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
