I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
