do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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