I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
