Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
