once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize