i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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