i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
