I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
