Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
