i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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