I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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