I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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