oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He passed out mid-signature
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
