I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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