ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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