Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
