You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
