This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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