I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
