I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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