last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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