The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
