the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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