Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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