just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
