You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
