I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
