Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize