I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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