I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
