Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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