so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize