I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
