I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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