It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
