and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
