my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
