the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
