Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
