I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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